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Dumpster Fire: Life Advice

Real advice for desperate people: It’s not good advice – it’s just advice.

I asked a few of my Facebook followers to provide me with some questions & problems that they were in dire need of assistance with.  I decided to share this advice with everybody so I never have to repeat anything again in the future.

 

Question:   My wife and sister argue non-stop at every gathering we go too.  We have to invite both of them or there will be even more drama.  What can we do to get them to stop?

Answer:  It really boils down to who do you like better?  Do you like your wife or your sister?  If the whole family takes a vote and decided who is more likable, the winner will be the one invited to all future family functions.   The loser will be disowned.  If you just want to disqualify somebody without a vote, just research to see if your sister is adopted and problem solved.

Question:  My child is extremely addicted to their IPAD and I have no idea what to do.

Answer: Hide the IPAD in an undisclosed location while they are asleep.  When your little angel wakes up and throws a bitch fit, spray them with a power washer.  You might have to do this for several days until they get their attitude in check.

Question:  I have serious road rage.  I hate being cut off and I just get in a blind fury.  Will drugs help me?

Answer:  I’m sure drugs will help you and keep the roads safer.  (But if  you were that prick behind me this morning, laying on the horn, you can fuck off.)

Question:  I am addicted to male porn but I am not gay.  I’m ashamed to admit it but sausage parties turn me on.

Answer:  You probably are gay with a serious porn addiction.  I would not feel bad about it though because the world is filled with freak shows. If you just go ahead and announce on Facebook, everybody will know and be aware of it. The first few days, you will be mocked non stopped or defriended but after that, everybody will forget or not care. Good luck.

Dear Veruca: My life killing gacha crack addiction

Here is this week’s Dear Veruca! Enjoy!

I’m addicted to gacha.  How can I over come this addiction because I’m really broke?

Answer:  This is a really toughie because I bet your gambling addiction is full fledge right about now. You probably have the night sweats and violent mood swings.  You look over at your real- life lover while they are watching tv and eating a bucket of fried chicken; pondering how to profit from selling their organs.  Each night you can’t sleep.  Your teeth grind together and occasionally, you scream.  You need your goddamn gacha and you need it now.  In that moment, you sit and catch your breath.  You are stunned that your life has been destroyed by fake cartoon toys in a video game.

I’m going to try to help you or at least attempt too:

Therapy:   I hear talking is a good way to deal with your problems.

Medication:  Wipe your gacha addiction away with another addiction.

3rd option:  Quit being a pussy and stop spending your money.

 

I have been in Second Life for a while and I still haven’t met any friends.  Any advice?

Answer:   I think most of Second Life is batshit crazy but when I’m in the mood to find a life long friend; I do this.   I find the most crowded places but not chat hubs.  I stand in the corner looking cool and wait for somebody else who is desperate for a friend to message me.  Then I make them answer like 100 question survey to determine if they are really friendship material or just horny fucks.  If they pass that; I add them to my skype for a 90-day trial period and if they spam me with emoji’s or messages, I immediately block their ass.   I keep starting this process over and over until I find a good egg.  I almost made a connection back in 2007 but it ended as briefly as started.  Good luck.

 

If you have a good question and you need helpful but mediocre advice; send veruca vandyke a note card.

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