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Dumpster Fire: Life Advice

Real advice for desperate people: It’s not good advice – it’s just advice.

I asked a few of my Facebook followers to provide me with some questions & problems that they were in dire need of assistance with.  I decided to share this advice with everybody so I never have to repeat anything again in the future.

 

Question:   My wife and sister argue non-stop at every gathering we go too.  We have to invite both of them or there will be even more drama.  What can we do to get them to stop?

Answer:  It really boils down to who do you like better?  Do you like your wife or your sister?  If the whole family takes a vote and decided who is more likable, the winner will be the one invited to all future family functions.   The loser will be disowned.  If you just want to disqualify somebody without a vote, just research to see if your sister is adopted and problem solved.

Question:  My child is extremely addicted to their IPAD and I have no idea what to do.

Answer: Hide the IPAD in an undisclosed location while they are asleep.  When your little angel wakes up and throws a bitch fit, spray them with a power washer.  You might have to do this for several days until they get their attitude in check.

Question:  I have serious road rage.  I hate being cut off and I just get in a blind fury.  Will drugs help me?

Answer:  I’m sure drugs will help you and keep the roads safer.  (But if  you were that prick behind me this morning, laying on the horn, you can fuck off.)

Question:  I am addicted to male porn but I am not gay.  I’m ashamed to admit it but sausage parties turn me on.

Answer:  You probably are gay with a serious porn addiction.  I would not feel bad about it though because the world is filled with freak shows. If you just go ahead and announce on Facebook, everybody will know and be aware of it. The first few days, you will be mocked non stopped or defriended but after that, everybody will forget or not care. Good luck.

Dear Veruca

I’m adding a new section to this site.  I feel that there is so many people in Second life that really need my mediocre advice.  So I am here for you.  Over this past week, I have received a few questions and I spent some time at my real life job preparing the answers instead of actually working.   If you have a question for me – Please, send a note card to: Veruca Vandyke

Q: My boyfriend wants to be a furry and I don’t know what to do.

A: I really feel for you receiving this tragic news.  Your boyfriend was a human Second Life avie one minute and in the next moment; he turned into something hairy and flea infested.  It must be a very confusing time for you.  This is a pivotal moment where you need to decide how much you actually like him?  Is he charming enough to carry though a few more weeks of your serious second life relationship before his real-life wife catches him?  Can he still emote like a human instead of a dog?  Are you even a pet lover? If the pros outweigh the con’s; then I would proceed with your relationship.  Maybe a good way to cope is to buy him a collar and take him for walks.

Q: I find it very off putting but when I’m heavy petting my girlfriend in SL. She will not remove her shoes?  Is this normal?

A: I understand your pain here.  It takes a lot of energy to convince somebody to sit on a pose ball and then to furiously type out your romantic intentions only to realize they are too lazy to take off their shoes.  It’s a rude awakening.  I’m afraid there is no subtle way to tell anybody without them getting offended.  Believe me, I have tried many, many ways. I have tried emoting, for example “/me takes off his shoes and tosses the heavy boots out the window. She watches the dog gnaw on them for a bit. She smiles and then proceeds to drape her body over his; whispering lowly in his ear on how their second life love will be eternal. “  I have also created a square prim over their feet but was accused of being insensitive.  So really, there is no win-win. You can either close your eyes as you type out your emote or just find somebody that understands your way of life.

Q: My friend looks like a noob and it’s embarrassing.  How do I tell them?

A: I think we all have that noob-ish friend that just won’t update their shit but help is here. Always trap them into a corner while carefully selecting your words.  Start out with something that will help them maintain their dignity, humanity or whatever ailment that they have and foremost, be respectful!  I look into their scared system eyes and say “Hey insert name, I like you.  You are a good person with a big caring heart but I wanted to mention that some people are comparing your style to desperate chat hub molesters.  Not me, of course, other people with damning evil souls.  Let’s go update you to mesh.”  It can be really that easy.

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